| Surviving Divorce
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Divorce
is epidemic and its effects are pervasive in American culture.
Why aren't marriages enduring?
How can people survive the devastating impact of divorce and its
aftermath and what help is available to them?
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Abigail
Trafford, in Crazy Time (Bantam Books, 1982), refers to divorce as
a "savage emotional journey that often begins the day you get married."
For many couples, this is all too true.
The seeds of divorce are the unrealistic expectations and
unrevealed selves we bring to the altar.
The inevitable disappointments occur, followed by disillusionment
and resentment. Add to the
formula poor communication skills and aversion to conflict and the result
is growing detachment, deadened emotions, and ultimately, in half of all
marriages in this country, divorce.
And
then comes the devastation. Many compare divorce to a death.
It is, in fact, the death of a relationship, with the attendant
losses of in-laws, friends, lifestyle, and security (and for some, the
loss of children, home, pets, and more.) It also marks the death of a
dream.
How
can individuals deal with the changes and losses and shock to the system
that accompany divorce and at the same time learn what is necessary to
avoid subsequent failed marriages? As a counselor working with many people going through
divorce, individually and in groups, it has been observed is that there are
several keys to an effective recovery.
Refraining from self-destructive or addictive behaviors and avoiding
rebound relationships are two of them.
A third is a sense of spirituality; those who have some sort of
spiritual belief system seem to recover more easily than others.
Perhaps
the most essential key to healing, especially in the early stages of the
process of separation and divorce, is support.
The people who grow through the experience and emerge with some
peace, hope and happiness are those who reach out to others for support.
For some, family members can be helpful, often surprisingly so.
One of the positive outcomes I see frequently is people forming
stronger bonds with siblings who step closer to help them through the
process and then remain close. Good
friends can help, too, but often their capacity to be helpful, objective
and patient is limited. Friendships
can be worn out if overused.
Some
people find themselves without good friends at this critical time, usually
because they have failed to maintain friendships during their marriage.
This is especially true among men, many of whom Thoreau said,
"lead lives of quiet desperation."
This desperation is never more evident than it is when a man is
suffering all the losses of divorce, compounding the pain of the loss with
the pain of isolation.
The
type of support that is most helpful during this process, whether one has
the support of family and friends or not, is the kind that those in
similar circumstances can provide. Small
divorce support groups, where members share their shock, sadness, outrage,
and fear, are the best places for the healing to begin.
In the privacy of the group setting members offer each other
empathy, acceptance, understanding, strength and hope. Members
will often exchange phone numbers to be available for mutual support
between meetings as well.
Many,
if not most, people also need individual counseling to help them through
the process. Divorce is one
of the most stressful events one can experience.
The recovery process can be eased and the long-term negative impact
reduced with the help of a professional counselor.
The
final key to healing is the releasing of resentments.
Holding a resentment toward an ex-spouse contaminates one's other
relationships, especially with one's children and new partner, and robs
one of energy that could be given to those relationships.
To resent someone usually involves perceiving oneself as a victim. When one is able to drop that self-perception one can regain
his or her power, self-esteem and energy and have a fuller and happier life and richer relationships. Though it is an
essential step in the recovery process, the releasing of resentment often
takes many months and everyone has to do it at his or her own pace.
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